REVISITING A CLASSIC Pizza Considered

Just stuck inside on a rainy day and seeing the topic of pizza brought up elsewhere makes me think that it might be a good idea to revisit one of the chapters from "Hello Out There", the set of posts from the "original" lockdown way back in the year 2020...

Rambling during the great lockdown of 2020 – Pt. V – Pizza

Pizza – not the most important topic in the world – but up there. 

It is possible to get pizza delivered during this most bizarre of times, which is perhaps the best sign that civilization has not yet completely collapsed and the apocalypse, while possibly nigh, has not yet arrived. Still – the fact that pizza can still be delivered to your house, while acceptable, may not in all cases be ideal. Sometimes you have to/want to go out for said pizza – and that’s not currently an option.

This worries me – basically anything that interferes or disrupts the pizza world worries me. I know I would be joined in this sentiment by many, including my good friend David Goldman, who is worthy of pizza related nicknames the way Babe Ruth collected baseball monikers. Sultan of Swat, Collosus of Clout, Behemoth of Bust – meet the Maharishi of Mozarella, the Caliph of Crust, the Caesar of Sauce. Sure – you can find a reduced number of pizza places that will deliver – but each delivery risks the loss of valuable pizza heat, each closed restaurant shrinks the possibility of finding the perfect slice – not to mention the looming threat of a worldwide cheese shortage.

Dave – am I right?

There’s no sense obsessing over this (though I will). Instead I will use this rambling to muse about my top five pizza list (which I reserve the right to change at any moment). I’ll also lay down some laws (actually, commandments) about what qualifies as pizza or pizza toppings, comment on school lunch pizza and generally – well – ramble.

What is pizza? Philosophers have thought on this topic for years. There is Descartes’ famous statement “Cogito pizza ergo sum” (“I think it’s pizza, therefore it is”). This offered an open door to a broad interpretation of pizzadom, accepting things like French bread pizza, bagel based pizza and “pizza in a cup” as being true pizza. I am tempted to rely upon Kierkegaard’s refutation of this argument, which claimed it to be a meaningless tautology – to whit, his position is summarized thusly:

“… that the cogito already presupposes the existence of "I", and therefore concluding with existence is logically trivial. Kierkegaard's argument can be made clearer if one extracts the premise "I think" into the premises "'x' thinks" and "I am that 'x'", where "x" is used as a placeholder in order to disambiguate the "I" from the thinking thing.”

I could rely on that, but instead I think it is clearer to simply state - Descartes was an idiot.

While there are many things that approximate pizza, they are not truly pizza. I don’t come to this conclusion lightly but it is true. If you put sauce, cheese and, say, pepperoni into a paper cup – that is not pizza. That would be like taking the approximately 60 chemicals that make up the human body, putting them in a blender and calling it “my friend Bob”. Just because the ingredients of “Bobdom” are present does not a person make. It is the same with pizza.

The Italians knew this. They understood that form, presentation, soul (“anima”) made up a pizza. If you changed any one of those, you may have pizza ingredients but you do not have pizza. For example – if you take a pizza and fold it over – not a pizza anymore. It’s a calzone. You can still like and enjoy it – but if you call it a pizza, you sleep with the anchovies.

Good example – I used to go in to the North End in Boston for lunch, and one of the places I stopped offered a dish which was a thick piece of crusty Italian bread topped with sauce, cheese, roasted peppers and (this was really good) some tortellini. It was delicious.

Not pizza.

Here is where I have to take the first and perhaps the most controversial of my stands with regard to the question of what qualifies as a pizza and what does not. When I go back to the States I will often stop in at Uno’s where I will order one of their deep dish…

Items.

Offerings.

Victuals.

Foodstuffs.

Fares.

I like them but for the love of God they are not “pizza”. It’s a casserole, a cheese/tomato pie, an Uno’s special – call it whatever you like but not “pizza”. I could open this to debate, but the judge has ruled and court is no longer in session.

That said I would like to show that I have an open mind on this topic. To do this I bring you back to that day in school when the menu read “pizza” and everyone had a bit more bounce in their step, joy in their heart and sauce on their shirt.

Now, let’s face it – school pizza was not that great – but it beat the hell out of “Shepherds Pie” or “Lunch Loaf”. It also wasn’t round, but baked in sheets, wasn’t thin, but a bit doughy and the cheese may not have been mozzarella. Still – I state that it was, in fact, pizza. Flat, foldable, capable of being grasped in the hands if you so chose – it made the grade.

But not that high a grade. At best it was C+, and a lot of that had to do with the setting and circumstance. But there was enough potential there for this type of pizza (which is essentially the “Sicilian” variety) to achieve greatness. In my top five list, at number 5, I submit that I have found just such a pizza. To find it you need to travel to that same North End, at lunch time, and stand in line (and don’t bother for part of the summer because they’re closed). I’m talking about:

No. 5 - Galleria Umberto
http://galleriaumbertonorthend.com/

This pizza is amazing – hot out of the oven and cut right in front of you, grab a slice or two and maybe accompany it with an arancini, panini or panzarotti. People line up every day, rain or shine, to get this food. So leave a little extra time, bring cash and an appetite. This is great stuff (only open for lunch – this is old school).

Let’s stay in the North End for our next stop, which you may want to do for pizza at dinner time. Should that be your desire wander over to Thacher Street where you will find:

No. 4 - Regina Pizzeria
http://www.reginapizzeria.com/north_end.html

This is the acknowledged home of Boston pizza – and as long as you go to the North End (accept no substitutes) it gets a big thumbs up from me. The pizza is good, of the Neapolitan type, (meaning thin crust, which will be the case for all the remaining pizza’s on this list). It is eaten by the slice and, when at its best, requires very few toppings to make it as tasty as possible.

This is as good a time as any to discuss the realm of toppings. I’m a relatively open-minded person when it comes to toppings on pizza. I’ll tolerate barbeque sauce and chicken. I’ll go along with meatballs and eggplant. I’ll never order anchovies, but if you do I will not seek to imprison you, publish your name on a list of heretics or make you wear a scarlet letter “A” (“Apostate”).

However – “Broccoli Florets” – no. Chopped hot dog – I don’t think so. Finally – if you bring a pineapple anywhere near my pizza I reserve the right to shoot without warning and with a license to kill.

Again – the judge has spoken.

On to happier thoughts (I shudder each time I think of those poor, unsuspecting cheesy discs that face the threat of pineapple every day). My remaining pizzas all derive from my childhood, and two are still out there, though I hope they are using dough that has been prepared more recently than the 1970’s.

They say you never forget your first pizza (no, really – they say that). My first pizza likely came from someplace that was, at the time, called “Shaker Pizza” because it was on Shaker Road in East Longmeadow, Massachusetts. The fact that it was first would make it memorable but I can attest to the fact that this pizza was seriously good – the crust was amazing and I can still remember the smell that permeated the house when it was brought in the door. Whenever anything approximating that odor wafts across my path it triggers one of those “sensory memories” that you get – and I flashback to the times we’d get that pizza. Yes – I get “pizza flashbacks”.

Another sign that this place had seriously good pizza is this – it’s still there. I’m 56 years old – which means there aren’t too many pizza places older than me. There’s another place on Shaker Road that says it has served pizza “since 1980”. A mere pup. The Shaker Pizza that I know (now called “The Pizza Shoppe”) website says this about its restaurant:

“The Pizza Shoppe has been serving pizza with the legendary sweet crust for over 60 years. The dough and sauce we use are made right here at the restaurant. It has become a staple of the community. Medium, large, and extra large sizes are available. Create your own or get our most popular, “The Cheese.” Eat in or get it to go.”

Over 60 years. Oh – and the “extra large” if I remember correctly, is two pizza boxes stapled together with enough pizza to feed an army. All of these combine to make this:

No. 3 – The Pizza Shoppe
https://www.pizza-shoppe.com/

While The Pizza Shoppe may be where I sourced my first pizza, the establishment that probably holds the title for having served me the most pizza is a place called The Russell Inn, located in Russell, Massachusetts. Now – I say “probably” because while I spent many a night with family or friends in the Russell Inn growing up, and while I would typically get pizza – the Russell Inn is actually not just a pizza place – it’s a proper restaurant with a wide selection of other dishes. They’re good too – but the pizza was (and I trust still is) extraordinary. It’s been a while since I’ve had pizza there – but I swear when I get back home after all this shit ends – I’m going there for pizza again. I can’t wait. The Inn is another place that triggers sensory memories, but not just with food. There was a jukebox there, which always seemed to be playing “Sweet Home Alabama”, and I’m going to put that on tonight and dream of tomato sauce cheesy goodness. For people nearby who can still order out – have a few (dozen) slices for me.

No. 2 – The Russell Inn: https://www.russellinnrestaurant.com/Home

Which brings us to the best pizza I ever had. This one differs from the others on this list in that it has gone the way of the dodo, burned down somewhere back in the ‘80’s or ‘90’s – but for whatever reason I remember the Cozy Spruce in East Otis as being the best pizza when I was a kid. It wasn’t as close as the Russell Inn (or maybe just not on the typical path) – but when we’d be up that way the pizza at the Cozy went to the top of the list. That’s the benchmark – a hot pie being brought to your table, checking to see if the pieces were cut unevenly and trying to get the big one if you could – bringing it to your mouth even though you knew the cheese would probably burn a couple layers off the roof, and then tasting everything meshing together perfectly, cheese, sauce, crust – heaven. I can’t find a picture of the Cozy Spruce on line – (if someone has one please post it - I did manage to find a pic of the old sign) – but I can still conjure it up when needed.

Pizza does that.