REVISITING A CLASSIC Pizza Considered

Just stuck inside on a rainy day and seeing the topic of pizza brought up elsewhere makes me think that it might be a good idea to revisit one of the chapters from "Hello Out There", the set of posts from the "original" lockdown way back in the year 2020...

Rambling during the great lockdown of 2020 – Pt. V – Pizza

Pizza – not the most important topic in the world – but up there. 

It is possible to get pizza delivered during this most bizarre of times, which is perhaps the best sign that civilization has not yet completely collapsed and the apocalypse, while possibly nigh, has not yet arrived. Still – the fact that pizza can still be delivered to your house, while acceptable, may not in all cases be ideal. Sometimes you have to/want to go out for said pizza – and that’s not currently an option.

This worries me – basically anything that interferes or disrupts the pizza world worries me. I know I would be joined in this sentiment by many, including my good friend David Goldman, who is worthy of pizza related nicknames the way Babe Ruth collected baseball monikers. Sultan of Swat, Collosus of Clout, Behemoth of Bust – meet the Maharishi of Mozarella, the Caliph of Crust, the Caesar of Sauce. Sure – you can find a reduced number of pizza places that will deliver – but each delivery risks the loss of valuable pizza heat, each closed restaurant shrinks the possibility of finding the perfect slice – not to mention the looming threat of a worldwide cheese shortage.

Dave – am I right?

There’s no sense obsessing over this (though I will). Instead I will use this rambling to muse about my top five pizza list (which I reserve the right to change at any moment). I’ll also lay down some laws (actually, commandments) about what qualifies as pizza or pizza toppings, comment on school lunch pizza and generally – well – ramble.

What is pizza? Philosophers have thought on this topic for years. There is Descartes’ famous statement “Cogito pizza ergo sum” (“I think it’s pizza, therefore it is”). This offered an open door to a broad interpretation of pizzadom, accepting things like French bread pizza, bagel based pizza and “pizza in a cup” as being true pizza. I am tempted to rely upon Kierkegaard’s refutation of this argument, which claimed it to be a meaningless tautology – to whit, his position is summarized thusly:

“… that the cogito already presupposes the existence of "I", and therefore concluding with existence is logically trivial. Kierkegaard's argument can be made clearer if one extracts the premise "I think" into the premises "'x' thinks" and "I am that 'x'", where "x" is used as a placeholder in order to disambiguate the "I" from the thinking thing.”

I could rely on that, but instead I think it is clearer to simply state - Descartes was an idiot.

While there are many things that approximate pizza, they are not truly pizza. I don’t come to this conclusion lightly but it is true. If you put sauce, cheese and, say, pepperoni into a paper cup – that is not pizza. That would be like taking the approximately 60 chemicals that make up the human body, putting them in a blender and calling it “my friend Bob”. Just because the ingredients of “Bobdom” are present does not a person make. It is the same with pizza.

The Italians knew this. They understood that form, presentation, soul (“anima”) made up a pizza. If you changed any one of those, you may have pizza ingredients but you do not have pizza. For example – if you take a pizza and fold it over – not a pizza anymore. It’s a calzone. You can still like and enjoy it – but if you call it a pizza, you sleep with the anchovies.

Good example – I used to go in to the North End in Boston for lunch, and one of the places I stopped offered a dish which was a thick piece of crusty Italian bread topped with sauce, cheese, roasted peppers and (this was really good) some tortellini. It was delicious.

Not pizza.

Here is where I have to take the first and perhaps the most controversial of my stands with regard to the question of what qualifies as a pizza and what does not. When I go back to the States I will often stop in at Uno’s where I will order one of their deep dish…

Items.

Offerings.

Victuals.

Foodstuffs.

Fares.

I like them but for the love of God they are not “pizza”. It’s a casserole, a cheese/tomato pie, an Uno’s special – call it whatever you like but not “pizza”. I could open this to debate, but the judge has ruled and court is no longer in session.

That said I would like to show that I have an open mind on this topic. To do this I bring you back to that day in school when the menu read “pizza” and everyone had a bit more bounce in their step, joy in their heart and sauce on their shirt.

Now, let’s face it – school pizza was not that great – but it beat the hell out of “Shepherds Pie” or “Lunch Loaf”. It also wasn’t round, but baked in sheets, wasn’t thin, but a bit doughy and the cheese may not have been mozzarella. Still – I state that it was, in fact, pizza. Flat, foldable, capable of being grasped in the hands if you so chose – it made the grade.

But not that high a grade. At best it was C+, and a lot of that had to do with the setting and circumstance. But there was enough potential there for this type of pizza (which is essentially the “Sicilian” variety) to achieve greatness. In my top five list, at number 5, I submit that I have found just such a pizza. To find it you need to travel to that same North End, at lunch time, and stand in line (and don’t bother for part of the summer because they’re closed). I’m talking about:

No. 5 - Galleria Umberto
http://galleriaumbertonorthend.com/

This pizza is amazing – hot out of the oven and cut right in front of you, grab a slice or two and maybe accompany it with an arancini, panini or panzarotti. People line up every day, rain or shine, to get this food. So leave a little extra time, bring cash and an appetite. This is great stuff (only open for lunch – this is old school).

Let’s stay in the North End for our next stop, which you may want to do for pizza at dinner time. Should that be your desire wander over to Thacher Street where you will find:

No. 4 - Regina Pizzeria
http://www.reginapizzeria.com/north_end.html

This is the acknowledged home of Boston pizza – and as long as you go to the North End (accept no substitutes) it gets a big thumbs up from me. The pizza is good, of the Neapolitan type, (meaning thin crust, which will be the case for all the remaining pizza’s on this list). It is eaten by the slice and, when at its best, requires very few toppings to make it as tasty as possible.

This is as good a time as any to discuss the realm of toppings. I’m a relatively open-minded person when it comes to toppings on pizza. I’ll tolerate barbeque sauce and chicken. I’ll go along with meatballs and eggplant. I’ll never order anchovies, but if you do I will not seek to imprison you, publish your name on a list of heretics or make you wear a scarlet letter “A” (“Apostate”).

However – “Broccoli Florets” – no. Chopped hot dog – I don’t think so. Finally – if you bring a pineapple anywhere near my pizza I reserve the right to shoot without warning and with a license to kill.

Again – the judge has spoken.

On to happier thoughts (I shudder each time I think of those poor, unsuspecting cheesy discs that face the threat of pineapple every day). My remaining pizzas all derive from my childhood, and two are still out there, though I hope they are using dough that has been prepared more recently than the 1970’s.

They say you never forget your first pizza (no, really – they say that). My first pizza likely came from someplace that was, at the time, called “Shaker Pizza” because it was on Shaker Road in East Longmeadow, Massachusetts. The fact that it was first would make it memorable but I can attest to the fact that this pizza was seriously good – the crust was amazing and I can still remember the smell that permeated the house when it was brought in the door. Whenever anything approximating that odor wafts across my path it triggers one of those “sensory memories” that you get – and I flashback to the times we’d get that pizza. Yes – I get “pizza flashbacks”.

Another sign that this place had seriously good pizza is this – it’s still there. I’m 56 years old – which means there aren’t too many pizza places older than me. There’s another place on Shaker Road that says it has served pizza “since 1980”. A mere pup. The Shaker Pizza that I know (now called “The Pizza Shoppe”) website says this about its restaurant:

“The Pizza Shoppe has been serving pizza with the legendary sweet crust for over 60 years. The dough and sauce we use are made right here at the restaurant. It has become a staple of the community. Medium, large, and extra large sizes are available. Create your own or get our most popular, “The Cheese.” Eat in or get it to go.”

Over 60 years. Oh – and the “extra large” if I remember correctly, is two pizza boxes stapled together with enough pizza to feed an army. All of these combine to make this:

No. 3 – The Pizza Shoppe
https://www.pizza-shoppe.com/

While The Pizza Shoppe may be where I sourced my first pizza, the establishment that probably holds the title for having served me the most pizza is a place called The Russell Inn, located in Russell, Massachusetts. Now – I say “probably” because while I spent many a night with family or friends in the Russell Inn growing up, and while I would typically get pizza – the Russell Inn is actually not just a pizza place – it’s a proper restaurant with a wide selection of other dishes. They’re good too – but the pizza was (and I trust still is) extraordinary. It’s been a while since I’ve had pizza there – but I swear when I get back home after all this shit ends – I’m going there for pizza again. I can’t wait. The Inn is another place that triggers sensory memories, but not just with food. There was a jukebox there, which always seemed to be playing “Sweet Home Alabama”, and I’m going to put that on tonight and dream of tomato sauce cheesy goodness. For people nearby who can still order out – have a few (dozen) slices for me.

No. 2 – The Russell Inn: https://www.russellinnrestaurant.com/Home

Which brings us to the best pizza I ever had. This one differs from the others on this list in that it has gone the way of the dodo, burned down somewhere back in the ‘80’s or ‘90’s – but for whatever reason I remember the Cozy Spruce in East Otis as being the best pizza when I was a kid. It wasn’t as close as the Russell Inn (or maybe just not on the typical path) – but when we’d be up that way the pizza at the Cozy went to the top of the list. That’s the benchmark – a hot pie being brought to your table, checking to see if the pieces were cut unevenly and trying to get the big one if you could – bringing it to your mouth even though you knew the cheese would probably burn a couple layers off the roof, and then tasting everything meshing together perfectly, cheese, sauce, crust – heaven. I can’t find a picture of the Cozy Spruce on line – (if someone has one please post it - I did manage to find a pic of the old sign) – but I can still conjure it up when needed.

Pizza does that.

THE CONTINUING ATTACK OF THE EURO-WEENIES

 

Who knew?

Turns out that when growing up I was a misguided, deluded, ill-advised and foolish victim of a rigged system that managed to do the same to my father’s generation as well as my grandfather’s.  If you're American and at all interested in sports - you were likewise a victim. We were the tools of greedy monied interests that robbed us of the true value of athletic competition.  The joy we took out of watching baseball, American football, basketball and ice hockey was all false and the collective delusion we felt whenever one of our teams would succeed, or the despair at their failure, was illusory – an illusion shared by millions.

I have been awakened to this sad fact by the ministrations of a collective of benevolent organisations set up only to enlighten and enrich the lives of their followers, who are likewise a fine group of intelligent (indeed, near all-knowing) individuals whose only regret was that they could not have saved myself and my brethren from the horrible fate that we suffered (and continue to suffer) at the hands of our brutal masters.  Those organisations are known by a number of cute and endearing acronyms such as the Federation Internationale Football Associations (FIFA), the Union of European Football Associations (UEFA) and (in their various most assuredly graft-free and positively altruistic fiefdoms) national institutions such as the Football Association of Ireland (FAI) or the wholly different and not-to-be-confused Irish Football Association (IFA).

See, here I was thinking that the leagues I watched as a kid, Major League Baseball (MLB), the National Football League (NFL), National Basketball Association (NBA) and National Hockey League (NHL) were actually quite successful, because they represented the top levels of competition in their sports, made money, gave teams in various cities the opportunity to compete, excited enormous fan interest, were able to expand and accommodate new franchises and remained stable for decades at a time.  Silly me.  I should have been looking to the wonderland of European football (which I will now refer to as “soccer” in order to avoid attempting to hide my American ignorance) in order to understand how a well-run sports operation was conducted. 

Yes, I should have been looking at the place where a league dominated by two individual powerhouse teams (Rangers and Celtic in Scotland) was so incredibly successful that one of those two teams (Rangers) waltzed itself straight into bankruptcy in 2012.  Well, at least that opened things up a bit – certainly in the intervening period other teams filled the void and won championships in Scotland.  What is that you say – that up until this year Celtic won every league title?  Well, at least this year things finally began to open up.  Come again? Rangers have returned to the Premier level and won this year’s trophy?  

Oh. – Maybe not such a great example of how the European system fosters competitiveness.

What is that “European” system?  Well, while there is, in truth no unified system of competition across the continent there are certain nearly uniform practices that are in place:

1.        Relegation and promotion – Almost all European national authorities operate leagues that are tiered in structure, so that the bottom two or three teams at one level are “relegated” to the level below and the top two or three teams at the lower level are “promoted” to the top tier. 

2.       Nationalism – Leagues operate within political and geographical boundaries that, other than in the most extreme situations, are considered inviolable.  (Those exceptions arise in instances like that of Derry City, a Northern Irish based club that plays in the Republic of Ireland league due to the fact that sectarian violence led to fears of fatalities in the event Derry continued to compete in Northern Ireland).  Spanish teams compete against Spanish teams in La Liga, English teams (other than a couple of other nearby British teams, like Cardiff in Wales) play English teams in the Premiership, German teams play German teams in the Bundesliga, and so on. 

3.       Cross Border UEFA Competitions – If a team has achieved a certain level of success in their national league they have the opportunity to participate in cross border tournaments (misleadingly called “leagues”) such as the “UEFA Champions League” or, at a secondary level the “UEFA Europa League”.  Again, these aren’t “leagues” per se but are tournaments that use a format similar to the World Cup (group stage and then knockout stage) but these are spread over months of competition.

In theory the money from the Cross-Border competitions (TV revenue, sponsorship, gate fees, etc.) goes both to the competing clubs and the various national leagues, thereby assuring monetary support at all levels.

In theory.

What really happens is that the money is funneled through the international organisations (UEFA primarily, though FIFA gets a cut via dues), the top clubs make enough to stay on top but not what they see as a fair share, the national organisations get enough to feed to smaller clubs to keep them afloat but not strong enough to really “rock the boat”, the national groups also keep enough to insure their top echelon gets to live like kings, the people who actually invest money in teams get very little say in major negotiations like where tournament finals will be held, who gets and handles TV rights, what sponsorship deals are granted, etc.  and the status quo remains the status quo. This has led to a few rather predictable results. 

These national organisations are incredibly corrupt (witness the recent shenanigans with the Irish FAI), true competition is nearly non-existent (witness Scotland’s above referenced farce of a “Premiership”), national boundaries lead to “nationalistic” prejudice in the worst sense (witness the fact that metropolitan areas like Dublin are not allowed by UEFA to seek to place a team in a league where the size of the city could support such a franchise – but instead must make do with five or six perpetually underfunded clubs that compete against “Longford Town” or “Galway United”), match fixing is always a threat (Italy), game officials are corrupt (FIFA, 2018, 2014, 2011…), player transfer regulations lead to the exploitation of minors (ongoing), bidding for international competitions are rigged by corruption (look where the next World Cup is being held) and the only real response to this nonsense is to whistle while all this goes on (again – you should understand that the World Cup will be held in stadiums built with slave labor). Fans acknowledge the problems but can’t do anything about it, media conglomerates depend on the rights controlled by the organizers – so they don’t challenge it, many top clubs are happy to remain at the top (even if they forego the power they should have) and mediocre clubs are run by mediocre people who are happy to remain mediocre because, well because they are mediocre.

In short, the system is designed to work in a way that constantly pisses everybody off, but only to the level that makes incessant complaining tolerable but actual change impossible.  That is not opinion.  That is fact – proven again this past month when a number of the top clubs made a bid to actually control their own destiny, only to be rebuffed by a coalition of the threatened (the alphabet soup of controlling organisations) and the ignorant (the European football fans).

But, of course, you can’t take my word for it because I’m an ignorant American who could never possibly understand the bond between European fans and their teams.  So what if the NBA is the fastest growing internationally based league?  So what if the NFL has managed to take a sport played virtually nowhere other than America and make it an international product?  So what if, in their European bias fans here continue to laugh at how the World Series is a “misnomer” because only U.S. teams compete? (Said while ignoring Canada entirely). Of course, this also ignores the fact that baseball has one of the most diverse rosters of international players in the world – with Dominicans, Mexicans, Venezuelans, Japanese, Korean, Cuban and other nationalities represented on the playing field at the highest level.  Europeans aren’t heavily represented (there are some) but the European world view loves to pretend that they are the real arbiters of what constitutes a valid “sport” – which is why the Olympics are heavily populated with competitions in such evolved pursuits as Biathlon, Rhythmic Gymnastics, Luge and Fencing.  Oh yes, there is also the National Hockey League – which is really an international league and would be much bigger except European interests keep blocking any attempt to add teams from its national associations.

In point of fact the world of ice hockey provided a great example of American “ignorance” just this past week.  Seattle is a major metropolitan area that wished to have a hockey team located in its environs.  They could not hope to achieve this status by having a team roll the dice and attempt to be “promoted” from the minor ranks since America has no such roller coaster system.  But, somehow, they do now have a representative squad.  The Seattle Kraken were named to the NHL this past week.  How could this happen?

It was easy. They bought their way in.  How cynical.  They simply paid enough money to join up and now they can have fans watch the highest level of competition in the world.  As long as the fans continue to be satisfied enough to come through the doors – they’ll stay in the league – no relegation.  How are they going to afford players?  They will be given access to a certain number of existing players by means of a competitive “draft” – and they will have draft rights every year over newly emerging talent based upon the principle of “weakest team first”.  Can such a system really work?  Can a team that is just joining out of the blue ever expect to really compete against the established clubs? 

Well, let’s take a look at the latest example of such expansion.  In 2017 the Las Vegas Knights joined the same NHL as a new expansion team, ready to compete in the 2017-18 season.  It took them all of one season to challenge for the Stanley Cup, the ultimate hockey prize.

One season.  They finished runners-up in that same 2017-18 season.  They have been at or near the top of the league every year since.

Now, before condemning the proposed move of the European Super League clubs as consigning the fans of Europe to an “American” type system consider, just for a moment, the point of view of someone who must own one of those clubs – say, Liverpool.  The Fenway Sports Group – which last year brought Liverpool their first ever Premier League title, must pay top dollar to players, surrender huge amounts of revenue to the alphabet soup of organisations who could care less about that investment, and then send that same player they have paid huge money for out to do battle against…Fulham.  Liverpool’s investment in that player can go completely down the tubes in competition against a team that is, let’s face it, nowhere near the same level and not going to be for some time (read as – never).  Chelsea is another example – they must risk their players against the likes of Brighton. 

Brighton last beat Chelsea in 1933.

The “promotion-relegation” system is a fraud.  Bottom feeding teams merely hope to survive from year to year at the higher level, teams that are promoted tend to either stick around for a year or two or get dropped straight back down, and the few true, elite clubs remain at the top year after year – forced to choose who to play against the minnows in order to keep their troops fresh for when a “real” game comes along

Look – those elite teams should compete against teams that are at their level – talent wise, financially, in terms of prestige – and spare us the agony of watching a substandard Man City run out against Sheffield United or the slow torture of Southampton battling to a nil all draw against Burnley (while pretending that this is the epitome of competition). 

But what do I know – I’m just a dumb American?

I do know one thing though – as ignorant as I might be I’m not as big an idiot as those Manchester United fans who invaded their stadium and pitch forcing cancellation of their latest match against Liverpool.  Their argument?  They are protesting against the ownership of the hated Glazer family, who have, since taking over the club in 2006 destroyed it by winning “only” five Premiership titles and 19 overall trophies in that span.  They have had the audacity – the sheer gall – to hope to make money out of their investment in the club.  Can you imagine?  I have tried to find something, some bit of popular culture, that could equate to the level of astonishment that Manchester United fans must have shown when this fact was revealed to them.  I think I might have succeeded:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjbPi00k_ME

While people like Gary Neville and Roy Keane shake their heads in sympathy with the terrible suffering of the Manchester United fan base – let’s just take a moment – just a moment mind you – to take a look at the type of people who make up the crowd that feels so aggrieved.

This is not the first time the Old Firm fan base has indicated concern with the Glazer family.  Just look at the “concern” shown when the family patriarch, Malcolm Glazer, passed away:

“Stupid jew finally died….. Yes thank u Lord” (sic);

“Malcolm Glazer made his initial fortune as a slumlord praying on trailer park tenants, wow that isn’t stereotypical of a Jew at all (!)” (again, sic.  I would also feel that adding a “k” to the end of that would be accurate).

But that was 2014 – surely “that sort of thing” is not behind what is going on now?

Well… here are some recent Twitter comments…

“Notably, most of the owners of these ‘big' football clubs pushing for a Super League are Jews, including Roman Abramovic [sic] and the Glazers…..Jews are ruining football, they don’t give a f*** about the Gentile fans..”

“All this talk of the European Super League. It’s jew rats behind it. All money grabbing c***s. It’s no wonder that people hate them as much as the muslims.”

“Hey Zionists it’s not all about money you suckers“.

“Them 3 fat AMERICAN C***S YOU F***ING BASTARDS. And as for that Jew levy your family should have been gassed”. (Dan Levy is the Chair of Tottenham Hotspurs, who also sought to join the Super League).

I have adopted an ironic tone up to now.  That’s over.  Now I’ll be blunt.

The European way of soccer is a hot mess.  The American model they deride is infinitely more successful.  The derision of that model is largely bigoted – to the extent that it is not possible to oppose the Super League proposal and not be tainted by the grotesque posts laid out above or the hooligan tactics on display at Old Trafford this week.  Quietly backing that action by shaking your head at the fact that “it has come to this” is an endorsement of that same mind-set, whether you wish to admit it or not. There are reasons for opposing the Super-League proposal - but to pretend that the reaction against it was "reasoned" in any way, shape or form, is delusional.  The response was simply reflexive and reactionary - there was (and is) no semblance of thought involved. The only valid response to the people who railed against this proposal is complete indifference. I don’t know what to do about the current state of European soccer – but as will increasingly become the case, even among its most rabid “fans”, – I also don’t care.  

The best (and entirely justified) option for the Glazers, Henry’s and other owners of the clubs impacted by their “fans’” knee-jerk (emphasis on “jerk”) rejection of the Super-League proposal would be to simply steer their funds away from the clubs they own, form a separate league (with the backing of a major television package), raid the best players available and take on the powers that be that way.  Put real teams in places like Dublin, Edinburgh, Brussels, Ankara, Oslo and Amsterdam (or take over Ajax, which would be real justice), offer competition in London, Manchester, Madrid, Paris, etc. by luring talent (while not bidding on anyone with their existing clubs),  corral top players from other, non-joining, clubs, institute a draft for younger players and crush the current regime.  That’s what I would love to see happen – even if the sheer ignorance of the fan bases might make such a solution difficult.

The old-guard would certainly deserve it for, - make no mistake – the reaction of the soccer establishment to the proposals made these past few weeks was that of the classic bully to someone trying to enter their playground.  The reaction of the club’s fans is that of schoolmates who stand around and cheer on that same bully because they prefer the tyranny they know to the possibility of change they don’t.  The only way to beat bullies like that is to be tougher, smarter, meaner and willing to take a knock or two.  The clubs in question were not being callously indifferent to their fan bases – they were supporting them and trying to get to the next level.  Were there flaws in their proposal?  Absolutely – but, whether the average fan wishes to admit it or not, the truth is that the proposed league was infinitely better than that represented by the current bunch of thugs in charge at every level of European soccer.  They should be taken on and defeated.

If that were to happen I might give a shit about soccer.  If it doesn’t – I have better things to do than worry about a bunch of bigoted, anti-semitic, corrupt, ignorant, anti-competitive fools. Do I expect there to be outrage at this sort of position?

No, of course not.  This is soccer we are talking about.  I expect those reading this who feel aggrieved to fall to the ground, roll over about fifteen times and grab their leg in mock agony.  They will then look up expectantly hoping that someone will bail them out.

Let's hope that someone isn't there this time.