Warning: Any
attempt to discern satire in this narrative shall result in a vicious beating
with a genuine ash hurley.
Any effort to deduce a moral shall result in death by firing
squad.
Any effort to analogize to actual current events shall
result in the proponent of the same being forced to listen to “The Complete Recordings
of the Fianna Fail Ardheis, 1980-2022”
Being a transcript of the testimony of former TD, William
“Billy Boy” Lonergan at the tribunal looking into the circumstances surrounding
his cousin, Joseph “Joey the Teeth” Lonergan.
Q – Mr. Lonergan – how do you know the subject of this
inquiry, Mr. Joseph Lonergan?
A – Joey is my first cousin.
Q – And this is the same Joseph Lonergan currently serving
time for the murder and consumption of 22 children over the period from 1980 to
2012?
A – Yes, though I believe there is some dispute over the
exact number of children consumed.
Q – Is that because it is believed your cousin may have
actually killed and eaten up 47 children during that period?
A – As I said, there’s some question about the numbers and
whether actual consumption took place in all cases. But let’s not quibble.
Q – Mr. Lonergan how and when did you first become aware of
the activities of your cousin?
A – Which activities would that be now?
Q – The killing and eating of children.
A – Oh, that activity.
Yes, that would be when I was approached by one of my constituents, Ms. Yvonne
O’Gormley in – I believe it was 2006.
Q – And what did Ms. O’Gormley tell you?
A – I believe she said something to the effect of “Billy Boy,
yer cousin is after eatin’ me young one Paddy”.
Q – And what did you say to her in response to this news?
A – I believe I expressed shock and told her that this was a
very serious matter, that she should maintain discretion and I would
immediately look into the situation.
Q – According to her you said “Jayzus! – That stupid eejit got
caught did he! – You can’t be goin’ around sayin’ that Yvonne. Keep this to
yerself if you know what’s good for ya and I’ll check into it”.
A – Well, I don’t think those were my exact words but you
can see that the substance of our recollection is the same.
Q – And did you look into the matter further.
A – I did indeed.
Q – You are aware that cannibalism and murder are criminal
activities, are you not?
A – I believe there is some prohibition against them though
I am not certain of the exact statute involved.
Q – Did you bring the matter to the Gardai?
A – No – in the interest of discretion I felt it best not to
involve them.
Q – Who did you bring this matter to?
A – I went to see my daddy.
Q – That would be Sean “Johnny Boy” Lonergan, former TD and
Minister for Children?
A – Daddy didn’t like to be called “Johnny Boy”.
Q – Forgive me – but that was who you went to see – your father
Sean Lonergan?
A – Yes, I went to daddy and told him I was after being
informed that Joey had been accused of eating one of my constituents’ sons.
Q – And what was your father’s response to this news?
A – Daddy said “Oh feck, here we go again” and sent me to
see my uncle about the matter.
Q – Your uncle being the Right Reverend Monsignor Liam “Poppy”
O’Flaherty?
A – That is correct.
Q – Out of curiosity – why was he known as “Poppy”?
A – It was a play on the title of “Pope”. The term was originally
used only within the family.
Q – Oh – I understand – the family would kid your uncle
about him being like the Pope?
A – No – he asked us to call him that.
Q – Very well – when you went to your uncle with the news of
the accusation what was his reaction?
A – I remember it very well – he said “So the little bastard
is up to that craic again is he? Just
leave this to me”.
Q – And did you “leave it to him”?
A - Oh yes.
Q – And did you later inquire as to what actions he took?
A – Oh yes.
Q – And what were those actions.
A – Uncle Poppy, sorry, the Monsignor, informed me that he told
Joey “To stop that shite right now” and to do three decades of the rosary.
Q – Mr. Lonergan – did you not think that was a bit of a
mild response given the circumstances and the seriousness of the allegations?
A – Well Jayzus – it was three feckin’ decades.
Q – Mr. Lonergan – I have to put it to you – was the fact
that there was an election scheduled that year in which you were a candidate an
overriding reason for why you did not bring this matter to the proper
authorities?
A – Of course not – I was simply trying to help the victim
and his family avoid the scandal of being subjected to all the publicity
associated with this sort of thing.
Q – So politics never entered into your decisions?
A – Absolutely not – and remember I’m saying this while I’m
under oath. And, of course, everyone
knows just how few instances there are of politicians making untrue statements
when under oath.
Q – Yes, of course.
However – Mr. Lonergan is it not correct that these events in 2006 were
not the first time you had an indication that your cousin was involved in
cannibalistic activities?
A – I’m not sure what you mean?
Q – Did you and your cousin not found a local soccer club
for area youth?
A – That is correct.
Q – And what was the name of that club.
A – Originally it was the West Side Bombers – but Joey
thought that was a bit violent.
Q – And so he renamed the team?
A – Yes.
Q – And what name did he choose?
A – The West Side Starters.
Q – And as part of the activities associated with this club
did you and your cousin not, in 1987, organize a trip to Dublin to meet up with
a group of professional footballers?
A – Oh, I don’t think we would have done anything like that.
Q – You are a soccer fan, are you not?
A – I have some familiarity with the game.
Q – Have you not had season tickets for Arsenal for over 20
years and regularly charter a flight to attend their home matches?
A – I like to attend a match now and then but I can’t really
recall a trip to see any professional footballers. Who was involved?
Q – The players in question were George Best, Pele, Diego
Maradona, Ruud Gullit and Eamon Dunphy – are you saying that as a soccer fan you
have no memory of a trip organized to meet these individuals?
A – Gosh – Those names don’t really register. Except Dunphy – but I just recall him as the
host of the short-lived Irish version of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”.
Are you saying he played soccer?
Q – They all played Mr. Lonergan – and there was such a trip,
attended by the Starters club, in 1987.
A – Well – if you say so.
Q – On this trip we are informed that one of the players
begged you not to make him share a room with your cousin because – and I quote –
“I think he wants to eat me”. Do you
recall that?
A – It’s so long ago – nope, can’t say I do.
Q – Were you not approached by the same tearful child the
next day – and did he not tell you that your cousin had, in fact, tried to eat
him?
A – Again – just not coming back to me.
Q – And did this youth not, in point of fact, have a knife
and fork sticking out of his shoulder?
A – This is starting to ring some bells – I recall cutlery but
not the particular type.
Q – And did you not laugh at the child and say - “I see Joey
made you dinner last night.”?
A – Again, things are getting blurry and I’m sure I didn’t
say…exactly…that. In any event – if this
trip took place nobody was actually eaten or killed.
Q – Mr. Lonergan – isn’t it true there were other signs that
your cousin was inclined to the bizarre?
A – I’m not sure what you mean.
Q – During your first election campaign did you not solicit
ideas from your family for a pamphlet designed to promote your candidacy?
A – Oh yes. Daddy suggested including a bit about upgrading
the roads. My uncle suggested bringing the
church more actively into the schools.
My sister suggested promoting the construction of a new community centre.
Q – And did your cousin Joseph make any contributions to the
effort?
A – Yes – but I’m not sure Joey understood the focus of the
project so we weren’t able to include his suggestions.
Q – What was the name of the pamphlet?
A – It was called “How to Best Serve the People”.
Q – And what submissions did your cousin Joseph make?
A – Joey sent three recipes.
Q – Mr. Lonergan our time is almost up – is there anything
you would like to say to this committee in conclusion?
A – I would just like to let everyone know, that following a
period of deep reflection and thought, as well as after consultation with a
series of legal advisors, it is just barely possible that, perhaps, maybe, despite
all the circumstances – and without any prejudice or admission of liability –
there is a chance that I might have – through no fault of my own mind you -
made some minor errors in judgement in connection with these matters. Having thus unburdened myself in making these
extraordinary efforts to provide comfort to all involved – I’m hoping we can
all put these matters behind us. I would
also like to assure everyone that no animals were hurt or injured during the
making of these statements and that the dissemination of the pictures,
descriptions and accounts of these events are prohibited without my express
written permission.
Thank you all.
